Disability, deformity, problem? I call it an OPPORTUNITY!

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what to consider my hip. A disability? A handicap? A deformity? A problem? All these don't seem right but they're hard not to think about.

DISABILITY/HANDICAP:
The first terms that comes to mind are disability and handicap. I have a disability/handicap pass. To be honest, I don't feel like I have a disability. Obviously during recovery I am going to have some disability. Using crutches makes it hard to do anything. Also, I've noticed people think just because I can't put weight on one leg I can't do anything for myself. Like I not only can't use my arms but also can't use my brain! It's frustrating. I also get self-conscious about using a wheelchair. I now have my own wheelchair (since most stores unfortunately do not provide them to their customers). I feel like because I have my own, more people look at me in a "disabled" way. You know, the "what's wrong with her?" kind of look. Or, even worse, the sympathy look. I do enjoy the "VIP" treatment from people helping open doors, offers to carry things, or helping me up and down stairs but I can't wait until I can blend in with the rest of society.

DEFORMITY:
Physically speaking, yes, I guess you can consider my hip dysplasia being a "deformity". My hip was not formed correctly at birth, thus it is a deformity. However, I hate thinking of it this way. The word deformity has such a negative connotation to it. You think of someone being deformed as being really ugly. I will be honest though, it crosses my mind every once and awhile. I feel broken at times. I know that no one is perfect but I feel that this just shows the imperfection more. Most of the time I try to ignore this part of hip dysplasia as it is hard to think about.

A PROBLEM:
This word may not be the first word that pops in my mind like disability but it is the most frequent. Going through this entire process has shown me the problems with many different things, not just my hip.  

1. Problem #1: It has shown me the problem with handicap accessible public areas and stores. You don't realize how difficult things can be until you have a wheelchair, crutches, and no hands available to do things. Store aisles are too small for wheelchairs, doors don't have buttons to open them, restrooms have papertowels/hand dryers/soap not easily accessed, and most stores don't even provide wheelchairs to their customers. For me, this is a short lived experience and thank god! I would hate having to deal with this stuff for more than a year. I feel so much sympathy for the people that deal with these problems their entire lives.  
2. Problem #2: The organization of hospitals. It is amazing how disorganized the healthcare community is. I am going into healthcare and have been dealing with this a long time but being on the client side of healthcare is completely different from the employee side. I am so glad I had this experience to show me what the patient is really going through. I never knew how little different departments talk. One says one thing, the other says the opposite! What is the patient suppose to think? No wonder people hate doctors. The constant hospital bills in the mail doesn't help either. Even though my insurance/ financial assistance pays for most of my bills they still send me one before the insurance even processes it. I am still getting bills for last year...
3. Problem #3 and most important: My hip. I have to be so careful right now. My bone is healing and I can't do anything wrong right now or I could seriously mess it up. I worry about sleeping on it wrong, slipping while crutching around, stepping on it without thinking, etc. The pain and discomfort also is not pleasant of course. I have actually gotten to the point where the pain isn't what bothers me most, its all the stuff I can't do on it. I know I shouldn't think about it but I can't help it at times. I can't drive, walk, run, bike, swim, play....the list goes on and on. I am proud of where I am in recovery and I feel very confident that I am doing better than they thought I would. However, I can't wait to start getting back to normal. I see someone run by in my apartment complex and I just think to myself how much I really want to get out there and join them!

But what it all comes down to is that the good in the situation out weighs the bad! There is no disability in the fact that I am learning and having experiences that no one in my OT field will have. The ones that are disabled are the ones without this type of experience.  Also, I may have had a "deformity" in my hip since birth, but I have accomplished so much on that hip. I have been on cross country, swim team, swing danced, walked around the entire city of New York and Chicago (with a cyst), trained for a marathon (on a stress fracture and multiple cysts), and I plan to do so much more! And as for calling it a problem...I call it an OPPORTUNITY! An opportunity to learn, to experience, to educate others, and to grow. One of my favorite quotes (as seen in the photo above) is that "Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength." I feel like this is such a good quote for my situation.

Feeling coming back

Yesterday started the new wave of pain. It feels like a sin curve. Up and down, up and down. It has been like this for the past year. Obviously right after surgery was the peak. The pain has been going down since then. Until, yesterday it went right back up. I have been numb in part of my hip since surgery. I couldn't feel anything on certain parts of my skin and I was starting to get that feeling back the other day. The nurse told me that the nerves had to rebuild themselves. Well, I found out that it wasn't only my skin that was numb. I'm gaining feeling back in my pelvic bone as well. It HURTS! Unfortunately, I had to start taking my pain meds again. I know that this is a good sign though because everything is healing. Regaining feeling is a good thing, I just wish it wasn't regaining pain. I'll work through it. This experience is definitely a difficult one. One of the other hip chicks described it perfectly. This surgery is "not one for the weak". It tests all your emotional and physical limits. After this experience is over, I know that I am going to have gained so much strength not only in my hip but also emotionally.

This is how I see it....

I was playing around and decided to make a sign that speaks the truth....

Update on progress!

I saw my surgeon today. What an adventure! You can never be bored when there are people waiting a long time. They all get so angry!

X-Ray:
So I first had to stop by X-ray before I saw the surgeon. There was an hour wait here. People were getting very impatient. There was this one patient that was standing right next to the door where they called people in. Every time someone came up to call a patient, he explained to them (not very nicely) that he was waiting a long time and this was "ridiculous"! One employee looked through the stack of papers and said he was 4th in line. You would think this would calm him down and he would sit down in the waiting area like everyone else. No. He preceded to keep asking over and over when he was going to be called. He thought that this was so absurd that he was not next. He should be able to go in now! Why should he wait? Not even thinking about the other 20-30 people in the waiting room, also waiting. It got to the point where he didn't believe any of the employees anymore that he was going to be called soon. He started looking at the papers while the employees back was turned! Finally, thank god, he was called. The woman didn't even need to call his name because he decided he could read it off the paper himself and told her that was him. Thanks for the privacy. I was actually surprised that the employees didn't make him sit down in the waiting area. He was getting in the way and stressing the employees out. However, this was mild compared to the next waiting area...

Orthopaedic Waiting Area:

Crazy #1:
So we were told as SOON as we walked in the door and started to sign-in that the surgeons were running an hour behind. We totally understood knowing that this happens sometimes. Sometimes there are emergency surgeries or just get behind. However, not everyone understood this. The first obnoxious patient was this really big woman that would not let me through with my wheelchair and then decided it would be a good idea to walk right in front of me while I was moving. I almost hit her, I wish I did. She was complaining (very loudly so everyone could hear) that SHE NEEDED TO SEE THE SURGEON NOT HIS TEAM! I guess she decided that she would walk-in and get an appointment right away. However, this surgeon was booked for over two weeks out! She said fine and was about to go sit down. As she sat there she decided that this was not a good idea. Her other doctor wanted her to see the surgeon! Not his team, not his team!! This was a horrible idea in her mind and she voiced it! Then the receptionist was nice enough to get her an appointment in two weeks with the surgeon. Oh but the complaining didn't stop there. She was going to make her an appointment for July 3rd! "That's a day before the holiday! Is that such a good idea? I mean that's the day before July 4th don't you understand that?" But she ended up making the appointment. Who knows how she will be on that day! Oh and she DEMANDED her $5 back!

Crazy #2:
This woman had been sitting in the waiting area when we got in. She was complaining to the person next to her that she had been waiting there since 10am. It was now 11:30a. She rounded to noon and decided she was waiting for 2 hours! She, also couldn't believe that she had been waiting this long! She was going to miss her bus, she said. What really got me aggravated was when she said that she was waiting so long and she was so pissed off that the workers were going to go on lunch! How dare they take a break out of there stressful jobs dealing with bitches like you to eat a lunch! I mean, they better not even go to the bathroom, Right?! The thing was I didn't notice ANYONE go on lunch. They were all working really really hard! My surgeon had been working all morning and said he still had a long night. What an inconsiderate ass hole! (Excuse my french).

Crazy #3:
This woman really reminded me of crazy X-ray guy. She also did not sit down in the waiting area. She stood right by the door. She first was just standing, staring at the door huffing and puffing making everyone know that she was stressed. (She was really big also and it seemed like she was making herself tired by standing). But she insisted on standing right by the door. She then got too impatient and started telling every employee that opened the door that someone else told her she was next (we were there the entire time, no one told her she was next except herself!). The employees she was complaining about did not even work for her surgeon. They tried to explain this to her but she could not understand. This one really nice nurse told her that he would check. She decided that this wasn't good enough and she just walked in back on her own!!! Who knows what happened to her because I got called not long after and she wasn't in any of the rooms. She was a crazy one!


So the moral of the story is...when you are waiting for a long time, just realize all the other people that are waiting too. You are not the center of the world and you can't magically get called next, it's not a restaurant! They can't just put you at the top of the list! Be considerate of how hard they are working and the crazy, bitchy people they deal with all day long!



However, the surgeon said my X-ray looked great and I'm healing nicely!! YAAAAYYYY!!!!! I start pool therapy first week of July, see him again last week of July, and most likely will start weight bearing first week of August! WHOOHOO!!! What a summer this will be!

Is it over yet?

I'm at the point of recovery where I wish I did my time and it was over. It's been a little over 3 weeks since my surgery. Don't get me wrong, I'm progressing wonderfully and am way farther than I thought I would be. However, I still wish I could do things that I used to. It's funny how you don't realize the little things until you can't do them anymore. For instance, carrying things (my crutches take up my hands so I can't carry anything around), lying on your side at night or even moving around at all at night (I can only lie on my back and it could be possibly one of the most frustrating things!), standing/walking unassisted, walking up stairs, etc. There are many things lately that I wish I could do. I wish I could swim, I wish I could run, I wish I could dance. However, what keeps me going in KNOWING that this recovery will get me back to "normal". I wasn't able to do these things for almost a year now. I was getting progressively worse throughout the year before my surgery. I am finally on the way to recovery and the way to being able to walk (fingers crossed) without pain. I've spent 9 years dealing with this problem. The last year being the worst. It has really helped me grow as a person and given me many experiences that otherwise I wouldn't have had. However, at this point in time, I'm ready for it to be over. When I am able to completely walk unassisted I am going to have a huge party! It is going to be one of the most exciting times of my life! I can't wait until then.
However, I am very thankful that I have had such a wonderful recovery so far. I see the surgeon next Tuesday for the first time since surgery. I'm ready to talk to him and get some more information on what I'm in for.
Your hip is located in the center of your body. So if you move your legs the wrong way, it hurts. If you move your torso the wrong way, it hurts. Sometimes I just feel like I can't move comfortably at all! It's so frustrating. I can't do weight bearing on my hip for 10-12 weeks after surgery based on bone healing. That means I still have 9-10 weeks of no weight bearing! Seems like forever right now. I'm going to be so happy in the future when I look back on this post and think how far I've come.

Even in dreams, I'm on crutches!

I am still making progress every day. I see the surgeon in six days. This will be the first time I have seen him since the morning of surgery. I am so excited to see him and just talk about how great I feel!

Right now I can only have 20-30 pounds of left lower extremity touch down only on my left leg, no active hip exercises, no weight bearing for 10-12 weeks after surgery with evidence of bone healing, cpm machine for one month after surgery, and pool therapy 8 weeks after surgery. I'm now 22 days post surgery! It's gone by so quick!

This recovery has gone by quick but I've learned a lot on the way. One of the most significant things I've learned is to have more patience. Patience is so important right now. I started to get ahead of myself. I was feeling good and thought I was getting back to normal. What really showed me that I can't think this way was seeing my X-rays for the first time. Now I've seen plenty of X-rays of other people with this surgery but it was completely different looking at my own. It was a different feeling. I tried to see if I could feel where the bone was cut, where the screws were. And the scary thing was that I kind of could feel it!! I can feel the screws when I turn certain ways. Today I took my medicine late an could feel the part of the bone that was cut. I've always been very in-tune with my body but right now I wish I wasn't. It's so weird to feel it. Luckily, the pain is managed well and I even keep reducing my pain meds.

Along this recovery, I have had to answer so many questions. Repetitive questions. All the same. "What happened to you?" (hip dysplasia); "Isn't that only in dogs?" (No, it's common in adults and children); "You're too young for that" (No, actually it's very common in young females); "When can you walk again?" (a LONG time, don't remind me). It's always the same conversation. And it's amazing how nosy people that don't know you can be. People expect you to answer very personal questions. Just because I'm on crutches doesn't mean that I feel comfortable telling you my medical history! But I have come accustomed to that and the rude stares. It doesn't bother me like it used to. I've been on crutches/cane for a year now and I'm finally used to it! As used to it as one can be.

I had a weird dream the other night. I had a dream that I was walking UNASSISTED! I walked into a store and half way in, I noticed that I didn't have crutches! I got scared and thought I was going to screw up the surgery so I carefully walked back to my car and got them. Yes, I even have to be on crutches in my dream!!! I think right there shows how long I have been on them!

This journey has been long and there is still a long way to go. However, it is one that only I can experience and I can learn from. That is keeping me going. I can't wait to see what other things I learn along the way!